I may be deflowered but I am not devalued.

The space between being a child and thinking you are more than that is incredibly fragile. I don’t remember when the way boys looked at me outweighed how I looked at myself, but it must’ve been in a moment fleeting faster than a blink.

I lied about losing my virginity for the longest time. I felt an almost insurmountable level of shame because I had sex before sixteen. Oh, the absolute horror… yet, also not so uncommon. Neither one of us knew what we were doing, I think the fact that we both thought we had sex before we actually had sex, kind of says it all. I was deflowered and to be honest, I felt devalued. It wasn’t some magical moment, it was haphazard, awkward and incredibly rushed as we both tried to act like we knew what we were doing.

When I was young, we still learned about sex with a degree of shame. No one wanted to know too much about it, other than, will it make the boy I like, like me? The truthful answer, if he’s a teenage boy, probably for the 2 minutes he’s inside you and that’s about it. It’s a cruel truth but we weren’t taught about sex in an empowering way, it was less about what you can do to satisfy yourself and more about what not to do. I felt devalued when I lost my virginity because I didn’t know that sex was equally for me as it was for my sexual partner. Two people have sex, for the most part, so two people should enjoy sex. Point blank.

As I fumble my way through my twenties and steer closer to what I like to call, the right side of twenty, my relationship with sex is incredibly different and far more empowering. I like sex and I don’t feel devalued for saying that. It was as if we came full circle as I sat with the boy from above, who is now a man and still one of the dearest people to me, which I guess is the magical moment, the farewell to our virginity lacked. He was concerned that in the wake of me being a single for the first time in eight years, that I would be taken advantaged of. I sometimes like to think of myself as the Kimmy Schmidt of the dating world, seeing as the last time I was single, flirting was getting a cheap fizzy drink from the canteen as a school social. Easily the least sexy thing possible. But nonetheless, he was worried and I quietly snapped. I twirled my hair, cocked my head, softened and lowered my voice and turned on the doe-eyed charm. He was frazzled and I had him. You see, it’s very easy to hook, line and sink a man. They’re not the most complicated bunch when it comes to business between the sheets amidst other arenas. It was funny, while I mockingly asked him, who’s taking advantage of who here?

It’s a common misconception that only men can use women for sex, but in a society where being sexually active, curious and affluent is becoming the norm, so is our freer sexual exchange which is starting to shatter traditional notions of sex. Just because I want to have sex with you, doesn’t mean I want to have brunch with you. If history has taught us anything, it’s that sex and love are not mutually exclusive, nor should they or have to be. I’ll be honest with you, I’ve openly taken advantage of a guy for sex and owned up to it and he wasn’t bothered. Of course, it isn’t for everyone but there’s something seriously wonderful about living in a time where you can get what you want, be honest about it and find the best of both worlds, no devaluation included.

But, one parting memento, if you will.

Take care, be kind and keep it safe.




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